Over at Wired, a pretty vapid article on…

Over at Wired, a pretty vapid article on “Rating Zombieland’s Awesome Ghoul-Killing Weapons“:

Zombieland is the latest instructional video to address the very real issue of how to survive and prosper beyond the inevitable rise of The Dead. . . . Thankfully, Zombieland doesn’t waste our time with non-zombie-related life lessons. In a word, this movie’s lesson is “firepower.”

And then they go down the list of weapons used with comments.
H&K MP7 (4.6x30mm Submachinegun)
Their thoughts: Pros: high rate of fire; cons: small caliber (The bullets are about .18 inches in diameter.)
My thoughts: Anyone who’s read the Zombie Survival Guide knows that this is all backwards. Small bullets mean more bullets. High rate of fire means fewer dead zombies.

AK-47
Their thoughts: Avoid these because people might think you’re a commie or something? “Forget the AK and buy American — like Glock, Sig or Benelli!”
My thoughts: There are American companies that make AKs. However, Glock is an Austrian company, Sig is Swiss, and Benelli is Italian. Also, Glock and Sig make (mostly) pistols, and Benelli makes (mostly) shotguns. Nothing really comparable to the AK there.

Coach Gun (Short-barreled double-barrel shotgun)
Their thoughts: “Looks cool”, but useless after two shots.
My thoughts: Why do people who don’t know anything about guns assume that reloading is for suckers? Assuming equal time-slowing abilities, a national-level handgun shooting competitor could do more with one gun and a bandoleer of magazines than Neo did with his climbing harness full of guns.

Mare’s Leg (Large-caliber, short-barreled, stock-less lever gun)
Their thoughts: Big bullets, big boom; Ammo hard to come by in the wild
My thoughts: Dead on. It’s a thumper of a gun, but the big bullets mean ammo is heavy and, against zombies, overkill. The uncommon caliber means once you run out of ammo, you’re done.

Toilet Tank Lid (Say what?)
Their thoughts: Doesn’t run out of ammo.
My thoughts: Of course it does: when you break this thing over the zombie’s head, you’re done!

Banjo
My thoughts: Move along.

Aluminum Baseball Bat
Their thoughts: Solid option, but might be mistaken for a “sissy” softball bat.
My thoughts: Screw cosmetics. If someone has a problem with your high-grade anti-zombie bat, it can become an anti-idiot bat too.

Hedge Clippers
My Thoughts: Useless.

Grand Piano
My Thoughts: Really?

M1911A1 (AKA a 1911)
Their thoughts: Really cool.
My thoughts: Heavy. But still, really cool.

Pump-action Shotgun
Their thoughts: Really cool. Intimidating. (Because zombies care?)
MY thoughts: Overkill. But still, really cool.

Tremendous Mallet
Their thoughts: A good survival weapon, but “If you’re going to throw your back out, may as well do it by having sex for 19 hours straight.” Say what?
My thoughts: Too heavy to be practical. Mobility is key in survival.

Rock Hammer (Think blunt mining pick)
Their thoughts: “Combines all the best qualities of the 1911A1 and the pump-action shotgun.”
My thoughts: The fact that they say a hammer is better than a shotgun and pistol combined shows just how quickly they’ll die when Z Day comes.

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